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Six Months to Serenity
We have received a number of inquiries from
parents, asking advice about
how to manage the disruptive behaviors of their preschool children.
Below is a typical email and a suggested remedy for the chaos and strife that
can sometimes overtake a busy family.
“My four-year-old son
has temper tantrums, is aggressive ... and defiant ... and has
become so unruly at home and in public that I cannot take him to the
store without him causing a scene. How can I
make him behave? I am at my wits end!”
(Note: after further discussion and the elimination of certain factors
such as childhood illness, a recent divorce, a change in living
arrangements, or other variable, it was decided that the issues below
seem to be the major factors contributing to the child's distress. They
are posted here in the hope that other families experiencing similar
circumstances may receive assistance from this publication).
TLL:
First of all, it is important to understand that your son does not
want to be the “wild child” you describe. He
does not want to have temper tantrums, be aggressive toward other
children, or be defiant with you. He is a child
crying out for security, structure,
and order. He is longing for comfort
because he cannot control his own behavior. He is, in essence, a voice crying
in the night.
To restore his sense of self-respect and
need for order, you may want to incorporate the
following bold steps into your parenting principles. In
six months, you will be able to present to the world a mature child filled
with self-control and grace.
Be
calm: You are a
good parent. The fact that you are seeking answers
demonstrates that you are concerned about your son's well being. You love your child. Forgive yourself for
not being the perfect parent because there is no
such person. Pray. God loves you. Find your own peace. Then begin …
Give him routine: Circle your wagons; it is time to close in - to make your little family
the center of your son's universe. Make
his world small. Cancel
commitments. Resign from volunteer positions. Postpone social events. Why? Because at the moment, your son is
most likely overwhelmed by external stimuli, on sensory overload,
and longing to feel safe.
So,
end all
un-necessary outings. Aside from
optional preschool, do not take your child on any
errands.
- Do not eat out.
- Do not hire a babysitter.
- He is crying out for
stability and routine. Establish both. There is
security in routine and children feel secure and safe when they know what
is coming next.
- Your son does not want a play date.
He does not want more
opportunities for conflict when he cannot control his own emotions when he
is alone.
- Give him simplicity.
- Give him
peace.
- Make the house quiet.
- Read him books amid snuggles and
closeness.
- Play with him.
- Talk with him.
- Build with him.
- Draw pictures
with him.
- Limit your telephone time and give him your attention.
Remember that this is a time of
healing. Restoration is a process, and for a few months,
as you put your life aside in order to help your son find his,
most family members and friends will understand that
it is an investment in his future and yours. Remember that these initial steps are both necessary and temporary -
family life will return to a more flexible schedule later on. And if this adjustment sounds too difficult for your family to
accomplish, commit to a three-month
trial. You can do anything for three months!
Give him kindness: If you
have been spanking your child, stop immediately. A child who is spanked
builds up resentment and hatred toward himself and toward the parent.
Think about this: if you were hit by your
spouse when you said or did something inappropriate, you would want to
separate yourself from that person. In the same way, a child emotionally
separates himself from the adult who is inflicting pain and discomfort.
Instead of spanking, remember that
"a kind word turns away wrath." Fill your son with kind words. When he is angry, calmly tell him that you understand. Then help him give a voice to his
emotion. Help him talk about what he is feeling, rather than acting
it out. He will appreciate being led into this alternate and healthy form of expression.
Give him consistency: Remembering that your child is in emotional overload, there is little in
his life that he can depend on. Certainly, he cannot depend upon his own
internal controls. So he depends upon your external ones – the limits you
set for him. However, when he misbehaves, you may
be responding with a quick and arbitrary punishment. Then after a time, your
compassion overrides your initial decision and you may lessen the
consequence. Then, you lessen it again. Not only
is this confusing and frustrating to the child, but there is nothing to
learn from this exercise.
All behavior carries natural
consequences, so you may want to abandon the “punishment mentality”
and teach your son about the consequences of his behavior. Invest much of
his day in communicating the consequences of certain acts.
- If he gently pets the puppy, the puppy will learn to
trust him.
- If he shows his younger sister how to share, they can
both enjoy all of the toys.
- If he talks about his feelings, he will not need to
keep the anger inside until it eventually finds escape in a rage of
fury.
Also remember that accumulated anger about one issue may
explode into a tantrum about something totally unrelated. A fight over a
toy may really be the release of emotion about something that happened
three days earlier.
Give him communication: As
you begin these six months of recovery, helping your son establish
emotional and social health, talk with him about everything. Remembering
that his world is overwhelming and out of control, talk with him about the
why and the how of life. Talk with him about how you love him no matter
what he does. Unconditional love is not
assumed. Children draw a direct correlation between being good and being
loved. Help him to understand
that you love him the same on his good days and on his not-so-good days. Reassure him often that you will take care of him and love him no matter
what. Close that door to fear.
Give him physical peace: Lastly, we must consider nutritional factors which may be contributing to your
son’s emotional roller coaster. For six months, eliminate all artificial
coloring in his diet. Many children are so sensitive to yellow #5, red,
and blue dyes that they become agitated without ever knowing why. This
means that you may have to replace popular drinks with 100% fruit juice or
water, establish a new breakfast cereal, and select foods without
additives. This minor adjustment – when practiced without exception –
will yield peaceful results. And if peace is what you seek, read the
labels on everything your child eats. Go to
http://www.feingold.org and read some of the research available. Simple modifications in your child’s diet may bring
the dramatic changes you seek.
Finally, be patient: Your son’s behavior did not
become a problem
overnight – it evolved over time. Allow him time
to heal and be restored. Anchor your relationship in
love and peace. Assure and reassure him that he is unconditionally loved. Invest yourself in his stability. In just a short time,
you will be able to present to the world a loving child of grace and
understanding.
Children draw a direct correlation
between
being good and being loved.
Unconditional love is not assumed.
Assure and reassure him that he is
loved.
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